I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
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is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her