“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
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I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Every time.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Monday
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
love it when they get my name right
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?