Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
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*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
The happy life.. 😊
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.