My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Investing in beetcoin
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.