I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
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why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Going into Monday like
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?