Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
You Might Also Like
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
no their not
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Seems legit
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
It’s a gift
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it