Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
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me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!