HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
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Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
not for long
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Me trying to reach for my goals
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.