My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
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wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.