Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
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If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,