me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
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“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*