My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
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Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.