Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
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The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.