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we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Looking at you, Jesus.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people