I have never related to a cat more
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The human body is 70% water and 30% land
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Noah
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved