Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
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If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia