GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
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Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.