channeling her this year
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So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Meeeee too!
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.