The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
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drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.