Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
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My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?