If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
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I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
doing your own taxes
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.