For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
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It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
A bold strategy
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Sing it!
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
The asteroid..
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’