People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
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Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.