can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
You Might Also Like
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
my lower back watching me try to live my life
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail