Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
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The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Favourite diary entry ever
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is