Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
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I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
im all 3
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real