I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
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You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow