I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
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Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”