[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
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“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I get distracted pretty eas