Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
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Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Meeeee too!
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me: