So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
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Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.