If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
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CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I thought this was funny lol
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”