When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
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I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Sell your car
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.