Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
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[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.