This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
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Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other