David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
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Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.