[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
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[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old