I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
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I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Close call…
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.