72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
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Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
#Caturday
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count