If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
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Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
CUTE CAT‼︎
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.