me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
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[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”