At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
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Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”