Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
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magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.