Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
You Might Also Like
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
*orders delivery*
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn