Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
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[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
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[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”