He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
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Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.