Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
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Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?