I never know how much to tip a cow.
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I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Can’t stop laughing
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”