“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
You Might Also Like
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
What number SPF blocks people?
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Rather alarming headline…
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”