What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
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I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*